you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
