so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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