Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
