On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
