I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
