So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
