that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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