woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
