Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
God, I missed his penis.
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