Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
