i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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