all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
