**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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