I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
