Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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