i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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