I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize