The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
