i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
