Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
