The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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