I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
