areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
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I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
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If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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