My sheets look like a crime scene.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
