can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
