Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
