4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
