My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
