I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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