She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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