dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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