I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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