The maid of honor just puked.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
