You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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