My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
a search helicopter?!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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