we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
