Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
