i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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