I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
