you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize