Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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