I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
