Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
