You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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