Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
