The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
even my farts smell like vagina
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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