Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
