i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
