Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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