We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
