Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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