captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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