I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
