The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
