it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
