Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
