I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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