That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
