***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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