How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
