The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
